Humility

Why I stopped writing

    I stopped writing on this page because I thought optimism was naïve. I began to feel as if I was simply engaging in sophistry, twisting things to fit a strange framework. I wondered if I was deluding myself and writing for the sake of views. I felt that, if my posts weren't perfectly coherent, if they didn't fit into a perfect philosophy, then I shouldn't be wasting space on the internet. I literally told myself this.

       Maybe that is familiar to someone else. You think, "if I can't be the best, why be anything." I haven't only done this with writing. I've done it with sports, with science, and with romance.

It’s a subtle belief that we need to be perfect to be anything. We don’t and we can’t be perfect. This isn’t bad. It’s freedom.

When we realize that the idea of perfection is a relative claim, we can let the chains of perfectionism fade away like half the world during Thanos’ snap. If we aren’t perfect, then it’s unlikely our idea of perfect is perfect.

What do we do then? We ground our value in something beyond pure consequences. We ground our value in values that won’t fail. This is a concept put forth by one of my favorite authors. You can check it out at this link.

Optimism isn’t delusional. We know that there are two sides to any story. In fact, there’s a side to every story equal to the number of people involved. Even beyond that, each version of ourselves shifts moment to moment, so they all have claim to some story.

Why not reframe things in a manner which is realistic, but in our best interest, in adherence to our values, and in a way that is workable.

“Every event has two handles,” Epictetus said, “one by which it can be carried, and one by which it can’t. If your brother does you wrong, don’t grab it by his wronging, because this is the handle incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other—that he is your brother, that you were raised together, and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.”

Epictetus

During my hiatus, I’ve engaged in some serious soul searching. I’ve been working on my degree, reading philosophy, meditating, exercising, and learning about myself. I’ve overdone it, given up, come back, done therapy, and grown.

In the two years since I started this blog, I’ve moved from my lifelong state in the US and back again. I made new friends, lived alone, endured weeks of 110-degree weather, walked miles to school in 20-degree weather, and received a blue belt in a martial art

I also began having anxiety attacks and experienced weeks where I managed only about 8 hours of sleep total, all while taking well over a full-time load of credit hours in classes.

I’ve had insights.

I’ve had failures.

I’ve had breakthroughs.

I’ve been humbled.

In short, I’ve learned, loved, lost, and lived.

This sounds cliché, I know, but I’ve come to believe that some cliché things come about from their prevalence in human lives. We share common ailments, common interests, and a common biology. In short, we’re not too different.

During my time away, I’ve studied Stoicism, Christianity, Buddhism, Nihilism, Absurdism… lots of -ism

What I keep returning to is a state of humility.

I continuously learn and sometimes feel as though I’ve finally grasped the truth, imagining if only I had enough power, I could change the world. Yet, each time I think I have it all figured out, my perceived truths are challenged and shattered. I am left to rebuild my understanding from scratch, reminding myself that the map I create in my mind will never fully capture the complexity of the territory it represents.